About
TL;DR: I lost all passion, interest, and even motivation to code after a series of unfortunate experiences. I created this blog as a way to motivate myself to explore and play in the world of code again. Maybe, just maybe, I can find some love for this field and get back to work!
Want to hear the whole story?
I was laid off in the fall of 2023. I was relieved at the time; I took the rest of the year off to spend time with family and to recharge before diving into the job hunt in 2024. I was in for a surprise.
While I knew the market had changed, it was worse than I could imagine.
I applied to hundreds upon hundreds of positions using customized resumes and cover letters. I sent out several every day and also continued to build projects and games, practice LeetCode, mentor, network, and prepare for interviews. Professionals reviewed my resume, and friends supplied critiques. I applied to everything I was remotely qualified for and some that I was perfectly qualified or over-qualified for.
Out of all my cold applications, I received 2 interview invitations; my hit rate was less than 1%.
Throughout this, I also leveraged my network. I am thankful for each person who offered to help or gave me a referral. Out of 18 referrals, I received 2 interviews; a much better success rate.
Out of four interviews, one of which involved 8 separate sessions spanning 2 months, and another which involved an interaction I'm too uncomfortable to share here, I still had not found a fit.
Eventually, I ended up working a contract for a lovely new company. But by the time it started, the damage was already done; burnout had woven its way into my being. Additionally, I lost a loved one weeks after starting. Pushing myself to meet delivery expectations at start-up speed, while grieving my career and a lost loved one, only added fuel to the fire. I began to experience panic attacks when I sat down to work in the morning. I started to resent my job, my career, others in the industry, and myself.
I stopped working in April of 2025 and spent months working to heal and search for meaning in all of this.
I spent the first month doing quite literally nothing. I tried to play video games, to read, to make art, but couldn't focus. I tried to write. I tried to make music. I tried to do all of the things that once made me happy, but I couldn't do any of them.
After weeks of living in a constant state of apathy and disinterest, I started to feel little sparks of interest. I could feel little, dim sparkles on the edge of my awareness that made me excited for just a moment, just a breath. I let myself chase the good chemicals, and I finally started to read. I read 6 books in a month. I wrote two chapters of a novel. I worked on arts and crafts. In my excitement, I decided to try out building a website.
I sat down at my desk, opened my laptop clam shell, and...froze. The bottom of my stomach dropped out; I started sweating. My heart pounded in my ears. I couldn't get any air. My mind emptied into blackness, and my mouth was dry. I rolled my chair away from my desk, my body seeking to remove itself from the danger it was so sure it faced. Suddenly, I felt deeply, bone tired. My eyes drooped, and I couldn't fight off sleep.
It turns out, I wasn't healed at all.
So, I found myself mourning my career; I found myself stating, "It's over," and "I can't do it anymore. ". I stopped chasing good chemicals and fell back into apathy and depression.
Then, I changed my game plan. Instead of waiting to feel something, instead of chasing motivation and healing, I decided to get into a routine, even if I didn't want to - even if lying in bed all day was exactly what I wanted. I focused on martial arts, eating right, learned optimism, completing stress cycles, and challenging negative thoughts. I secretly hoped these habits would help me find a new career or bring me to a place where I felt motivated to do the things I once loved, including coding. And, I think these habits did help.
Recently, I tested the waters. I worked on a simple website from the ground up and deployed it, and I didn't panic...Well, maybe I panicked a little, but I made it through the process. I want to build more. I don't want to give up on my career.
This leads me to the point of all this rambling. I need a way to encourage myself. I need some accountability. I need some excitement. Motivation, for people like me who are chronically anxious, depressed, and recently dramatically burnt out, needs a little extrinsic assistance. And that's fine, it's a great use case for social media and blogs.
So here I am, creating a blog to share my silly little projects: sharing what I am building purely for fun, not profit.